I don’t think I’ve ever known how it feels like to be dealing with death. My first encounter with death was when I was around six or eight years old, I can’t exactly remember, and it was my grandfather’s. I don’t particularly remember being close to my grandfather. What I know is he favors and spoils me a lot since I was the first grandchildren in the family. I was in my last class period when my aunt suddenly showed up to pick me up. As a kid, leaving the class earlier was very exciting. I think little me might have thought my aunt picked me up to go to the amusement park or somewhere fun. Little did I know it was for my grandfather’s funeral. Once we arrived home, many people had already gathered there and were surrounding the coffin. If I know my old self well, my first thought or feeling wouldn’t be sadness or grief but rather an uneasiness from being around many strangers that I don’t want to talk to. Maybe a little bit confused as well, from seeing everyone crying. I think I haven’t quite grasped the concept of death yet. All I know was I wouldn’t be able to see my grandfather again, and there won’t be someone who would give me candy secretly anymore.
Today I woke up early and had my breakfast on time, which is a very unusual thing for me, but it’s been happening these past few weeks. After that, I went back to my room and spent my time mindlessly scrolling Twitter until I saw someone quoted iainhagen’s tweet saying his condolences for Dylan Sada. I went straight to Dylan’s Instagram and checked on the comment under her latest post. Everyone was grieving. I even went on google to find any news about her death, but I could see nothing. I was in disbelief and decided to not believe anything until there’s valid information about it. I checked again on Twitter and refreshing on her Instagram post comment every second to see any news about her death, but all I could see was just more people sending their prayers. All the “rest in piece,” “rest in love,” from verified accounts were finally settling in. She has actually passed away. I was feeling utter sadness at that moment. Some death had happened after my grandfather’s, but I never felt anything then. This time was different. It feels like losing someone I actually know. Maybe it’s because I’ve been a loyal follower of her and been in her journey for since long. Reading the comments on her current boyfriend’s latest post about her was even more devastating. To lose his other half, I don’t know how much sorrow he must have felt.
I think I finally understand how death works and what it does to people who are left. To feel it, I mean. Oh, how I wish to not have to experience this feeling ever again. If I could, I’d be selfish and ask to go first so I could never feel that awful anymore.
